


In Which Jack Controls Galactica

by Khashana



Series: The Guests at the Wedding of River Song [1]
Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003), Doctor Who (2005), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Star Wars - All Media Types, Torchwood
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Crack Crossover, Gen, M/M, Snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-17
Updated: 2013-01-17
Packaged: 2018-01-08 23:43:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1138858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khashana/pseuds/Khashana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>READ SERIES DESCRIPTION FIRST. The Battlestar Galactica is protecting Area 52, with Captain Jack Harkness at the helm. Meanwhile, Harry and Draco try to Sort the crew into Houses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Jack Controls Galactica

**Author's Note:**

> Read the series description first. I promise this will make no sense otherwise.  
> Main Fandoms: Doctor Who, Torchwood, Battlestar Galactica  
> Making a Guest Appearance: Star Wars, Harry Potter  
> For SnarkyHunter over on ff.net, for the idea of Jack and River.

Vipers circled the pyramid they knew only as Area 52. They all stayed in protective formation, but one was practicing flips as it went.  
“Hot Dog, quit fooling the frak around,” crackled his intercom.   
“Sure thing, Starbuck,” replied the viper pilot, and, true to his word, returned to flying his miniature ship in a straight line.   
“You can do flips when you’re off duty,” continued Starbuck, apparently feeling guilty about curbing Hot Dog’s fun. It wasn’t as though anything had been happening. But any such feelings were quickly put aside when she noticed something on the ground.  
“Galactica, Starbuck. I’ve got a visual, but not sure what it is.”  
“Starbuck, Galactica,” said the young man on the other end of the comm. “What’s it look like?”  
“White centurions is the closest I can think of,” said Starbuck, flying momentarily closer to get a better look.  
“That’d be a nice change,” mused the man. “Instead of this silver, silver, silver. And skinjobs are all the same twelve models, no variation at all.”  
“Stop fooling around, Ianto, and get me Actual.”  
“Yes, sir,” said Ianto, and transferred the call to Jack.  
“Galactica Actual. Starbuck, can you send us some pictures?”  
“Already on their way, Commander. What do you make of these?”  
“Well, they’re not exactly the most attractive things I’ve ever seen, but I’ve definitely seen worse. Ianto’s got a point about the variety.”  
“Commander, if you and your boyfriend don’t stop waxing poetic, I’m flying this bird right back in and coming up there.”  
“And what makes you think I’d be so unhappy to see you?” asked Jack, grinning at the pilot he couldn’t see as he checked several displays. “Fine. Instruments giving you nothing, huh?”  
“Nothing that couldn’t mean a hundred things. They’re marching on the pyramid.”  
“Tosh, get Pond on the horn,” said Jack.   
“Yes, sir,” said Toshiko Sato, quickly typing something into her console.   
“Pond, Galactica,” said Jack. “I’m sending you some pictures. These your guys?”  
“No, please shoot them,” came the answer.   
“That’s very harsh. I like that in a woman. Say, when this is all over—dinner?”  
“I’d explain about ‘when this is over’ but I might cause another crack in the universe, so let’s leave it at ‘no,’” replied Amy. “And if you don’t want to shoot them, at least get them to go away. That is what I hired you for.”  
“And right you were, Madame Pond. But somehow I don’t think I’ll be disappearing with the rest of these fine folks, so just know the invitation’s always open.”  
“Closed, but why?”  
“Ask the Doctor about me,” said Jack, with far too much suggestion in his voice for it to be real. Then, thankfully, he dropped the affectation and said, quietly enough for no one but Ianto and Tosh to hear, “I’ve been dealing with space/time a lot longer than you have. I know this isn’t how things are supposed to be. But I want to know how you know.”  
“Crack in the universe. Ask the Doctor about me.”  
The line went dead.  
“Cheeky woman,” said Jack, staring at the handset.  
“You did provoke her,” said Ianto.  
“You, be quiet or I’ll take your stopwatch away.”  
Ianto tried to comply without looking as though he was, which only caused Tosh to laugh at him.  
“Commander!” Starbuck’s voice brought them back to reality. “They’re getting too close for comfort. Orders?”  
“Athena, Galactica. Fly low and shoot a warning blast.”  
Athena complied, firing across the space the white centurions were about to march into.  
“Galactica, Athena. They’ve stopped, sir.” Athena fiddled with her instruments. “Hang on—I’m getting something. A transmission. Sir…they say we have the droids they’re looking for.” She paused. “What the frak are droids?”  
“Reply on their frequency. Standard warning. Back off or be killed.”  
Athena relayed the message. A moment later, several of the white centurions raised their guns and fired, rocking the viper. Starbuck flew down and took Athena’s flank without being told, followed quickly by Helo.   
There followed some heavy firefighting, since most of the other vipers stayed put (“Could be a distraction”) , but the three pilots were some of the best in the fleet, and they managed to dodge a heavy percentage of the fire.  
“Helo, distract them!” yelled Starbuck. “I’m going around back!”  
“You’re terrible wingmen!” Athena shouted back, but she was managing fine on her own. Starbuck had successfully got around the white centurions and was pelting them with ammo.   
“It’s working! They’re scattering,” she called. Indeed, those of the enemy left standing were making off into the distance.  
“Good job, everyone. You three, come on in,” said Jack. The three ships turned and flew toward their mother ship, the Battlestar Galactica, which opened a port for them to fly into and land. Back on the deck, Chief Tyrol checked the vipers and set his crew to make some minor repairs. The pilots, temporarily off duty, headed back to their rack to catch a few hours sleep. Two boys leaning against the wall in the corridor watched them go.  
“Helo would be a Gryffindor,” said the one with messy black hair and glasses.  
“Oh, yes,” agreed his companion, a blonde with silver eyes. “Starbuck, too.”  
“Athena…Ravenclaw?”  
“You only think that because she reminds you of Cho,” said Draco scathingly. “She’s a Hufflepuff.”  
A black-haired man in a lab coat came down the corridor, apparently talking to himself.  
“What about Baltar?” said Harry. “Ravenclaw? He is a scientist.”  
“Wrong again. Slytherin,” corrected Draco.  
“Right,” nodded Harry. “Slytherin all over. Dualla?”  
“Hufflepuff. Sato, Ravenclaw. Jones?”  
“Um. Could be any of them, really. He’s so reserved.”  
“I say another Slytherin, unless he’s got Ravenclaw tendencies we haven’t seen yet.”  
“Well, we haven’t seen him fighting for the Commander, yet, either. He could be a secret Gryffindor.”  
“Or a Hufflepuff with above-average intelligence. What about the Admiral?”  
“Adama? Gryffindor. The Commander?”  
“Harkness? He’s a tough one. I’d almost say another Slytherin. Maybe Gryffindor.”  
“Not such a heavy line, is it?” asked Harry, and leaned over to kiss him.  
Meanwhile, far below in the pyramid so recently beset by Stormtroopers, a redhead with an eye patch was talking to a man in a tweed jacket and bow tie.  
“So, what about Jack Harkness?” The man in the bow tie gave a violent shudder.  
“No. Just no. He’s not your type.”  
“I wasn’t! I just want to know—”  
“Don’t mention Jack,” interrupted the Doctor, “when River is within a ten-metre radius.”  
“Why?” Amy Pond crossed her arms in the way that meant she was about to be stubborn.  
“The world might implode,” said the Doctor, and stalked off in the opposite direction before she could argue.


End file.
